Sunday, February 10, 2019

The Affects of Silence--Narcissistic Abuse

Here are 4 leading causes of Silence while in an abusive situation:

1.) You feel as if you don't matter, you're just existing.

2.) You feel unworthy of being heard, you don't want to fight, you desperately want peace.

3.) You stop believing in yourself, your hopes and dreams have withered from your thoughts.

4.) You begin to question your faith, you stop caring as if:

- Your smile has been removed and seemingly vanished

- You are living day to day expressionless

- You have NO voice, you can't find the words anymore

- You feel meaningless, you have lost sight of your purpose

This is an unfortunate place to be in because there is no other alternative but to adapt to your environment, only by tiptoeing around in SILENCE to keep the peace. While this is happening, you begin to swallow your happiness, your joy, and any excitement you had in life, is now gone. This leaves you feeling vulnerable, and emotionally isolated from your family, and friends. You feel as if you've lost living a joyous life.

The effects of SILENCE has you living this way. What happened to living your life? Everyone in your house begins to tiptoe around your fear as it trickles down to each child and even your guests. Anxiety becomes a daily feeling, you never know what is going to happen next. Even sleeping is now so hard. Work is becoming a task to get through. The thought of going home after work ends, or coming home from school at the last bell is unnerving. The cycle continues. You know in the back of your mind, that those hours away was your only peace, but work and school are only eight hours long, you find yourself wishing there were more hours on the clock. 


I would like to share a personal story from my own experience. Being silent did not help me in my abusive situation. I was involved with a narcissist. More emotionally, and verbal, then it was physical. While I was going through this, I made excuses for the reasons he was abusing me. I remained quiet, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. Days become weeks, months and then the obvious two and half long years before it came to a bitter end. During this time, while I allowed this type of treatment, and still mind you, stayed SILENT.

Everyone in my house began to treat me the same way, minus the physical abuse. They were unkind and disrespectful. You're probably wondering why? How can this be? They are watching me get abused, both verbally, and emotionally. The answer to this, they were mad. They were lashing out. Upset! This was the only way they could release the pain they were dealing with. They had to tiptoe around the house, watching every word they were saying. Hoping that it wouldn't trigger a fight. 

There comes a time when reality sets in, when a choice to leave the relationship is the only choice to salvage your family and get help to regain strength and promise for a healthier life. I understand completely, the part I had in all of this. The very first thing that I did wrong was what? I never set 
boundaries. I never stopped him, from the first he disrespected me. Then it began. As time went on he became comfortable being emotionally abusive, he moved it too much higher levels as the days progressed. I couldn't stop it because I never stood up for myself from the beginning. At each and every new point I was frightened. I felt very alone. I didn't speak to any friends for a long time, and I didn't reach out to my family. I did what was asked of me. It was part of his control. I began to get angry about the damage that was being done to all of us. I finally admitted to myself that I'm living in a destructive way. I broke out of my denial. My denial was like a spell I was under. I couldn't wait to get my smile back, to embrace my children, to live again. I forgot who I was before getting involved with a person like this. I was courageous, happy, fun. I smiled a lot and enjoyed all aspects of my life. I missed my friends, I missed my family, I missed me. 

I sought professional help, I was grateful I found a counselor specializing in the area that I was having such problems with. I worked hard to get my life back. Going through the healing process wasn't easy. I found myself breaking down, it drained me of my energy, but I know I needed to do this for me, and my family. The most difficult time I had was learning to forgive. I would ask my counselor, how could I forgive a monster, an evil being who went out of his way to destroy me, and my family? My counselor replied, you can and you will. Because forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what happened to you, it only means that you will never let this happen to you again.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. I believe in support, do not let what happened to me, happen to you. Please do not allow disrespect, unkindness, and someone else to control your life. It affects the entire family. No one walking on this earth has any right to place harm on any living being. Reach out, and get the help you need to live a joyous life. 



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Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Don’t Let A Narcissist Control You—Abuse

Stand Stong, No More Abuse


I would like to tell you a bit about myself. I was in a bad situation with a very abusive man. I couldn't tiptoe light enough, it was if I was walking on pins and needles, even my silence was deafening to his ears. He suffocated my voice, my inner peace was in turmoil. He could hear my cry for help, which I believed helped him to identify my weakness. This abuse was not in my head. I new what kind of relationship I was in. How do I know this you might be asking? Because I was never treated this way in my entire life. I knew this is not what love represents. All I was to this person was an object, a living thing to physically, mentally control, and abuse. The unsettled feeling of not knowing what to do, or what was going to happen next had me frightened in every was possible. I never saw this coming.

The change in the relationship was instantaneous as soon as we moved in together, all of the horrors of a life I never knew excited, I was living. All I kept thinking was, what the hell I done to my life? I knew I had to change this. There isn't enough hours in a day, month, or year that I could put into this type of madness to change him. I would just be giving him another excuse to abuse me even more for mentioning the changes that need to take place. I continued to remember that this isn't the love I dreamed of, I deserve to be treated better than this. My abuser needed to change himself, his issuesare not mine, or yours to worry about if this is happening to you. But most importantly I needed to focus on me. I wanted desperately to become stronger, and healthier person.

I knew gaining the understanding of these crucial points would help guide me to step away from this unkindness, and create standards in my life that I will live by going forward. In fact I want to embrace a love I deserve.

A loving relationship full of kindness, and respect for one another. I was raised with these principles.

"A person who loves you will never find it in their heart to abuse you."

I am with you, and I know in my heart what you are feeling. I know why you are reading this message. We need to remove ourselves from this abusive situation, there is NO time to waste. The longer we wait, the more abusive, and unbearable the situation becomes.

These are Five (5) things that helped me overcome:

1. We need to stop accepting this abuse, and making excuses for it.

2. We need to understand this is not our fault, and we can't change them.

3. We come first, and family (children) we are not alone in this abuse cycle.

4. We must reach out for help. Ask for assistance, ask for guidance.

5. We need to make a stand, and change our life. You, are the key word.

Nothing changes unless we change our circumstances. No one is going to do it for us. I cannot express enough, that you need guidance, you can't do this alone, especially when there is children involved. Making a change is never easy, it can be very scary, but we have to do what is best for ourselves, and our family.

There are two major factors that play a big roll in why we don't let these stop you from the life you really deserve.

1. Financial help, (most rimes this is the biggest problem)

2. You are still convinced that they will stop abusing you, and they will change. (a common issue)

I do understand we are very emotionally involved in our won situation, and each issue is very delicate when it comes to abuse, I more then understand this point. I know we want to believe that things will get better, and these men will change. We want them to treat us with kindness, and love us the way we always wished they would.

The truth of the matter is, this is the reason we need to speak to someone and reach out for help. We are not in the position to make a rational decision on our lives if we are making any type of excuses on why we should stay in a destructive relationship. Please remember you serve a kind and loving life, filled with all the joy the world can bring. We will never know how life feels if we remain in an abusive life style.

There comes a time, we have to make a choice, and take responsibility for what is happening in our lives, and make it better. We have to have control of our lives. The power is ours. You know what to look for, you are an intelligent person. The warning signs are clear to you. You will not allow any of this pain back into your life again. You will set boundaries at the beginning, you will have standards you will live by. You know what to do at the first sign of disrespect. Your foot will always be planted firmly on the ground with anything that is unacceptable. Please do me a favor and reach out. It will change your life. This step has changed mine.

Don't give up the fight, you're the most valuable currency there is

Join thousands of women who broke from free, and our living the loving life they were created to live

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