Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Attracting the Wrong Man--Narcissist

First Part of the 7 Steps for leaving an Unhealthy Relationships

To the outside world, I was "typical" A young woman, divorced, a mother of two small children-nothing out of the ordinary. Getting married so young had led to getting divorced young. My husband and I both wanted to live different lives. It was an inevitable ending to something that had happened far too early in my life.

As I moved on with my life I struggled financially, but I was determined to make it. I knew what I wanted. I stayed focused, saved and purchased a home--only to realize that it took a lot of money to maintain that home. I had to get a second job to better support myself and provide for the kids. There were no other options and I wanted everything to work out. Yet, nothing was great. Working wasn't my biggest problem. I definitely wasn't scared of hard work.

It was when I started to date again that I found a big problem--I was more successful at attracting the wrong kind of men than I'd realized. Time moved on and I met a man. He was wonderful and treated me the way every girl dreams of being treated. I mistook that for amazing love and unfortunately it turned into pain and torment. My fear of letting go consumed me because I loved him and wanted it to work, all I felt and tried to hold onto was the day we met. I also had to get a second joy again, and it was just as unfulfilling as the relationship. Long hours.

Keeping up appearances, but mostly--I was not happy! I was trying to keep up appearances. There was no balance or harmony in my life--anywhere. Furthermore, knowing that I was responsible was agonizing. My life deteriorated and I struggled to stay under control. The more I fought, the more my life unraveled. I didn't like the person I turned into, becoming more distant from my life and never finding peace. I was just existing.

Here is what I discovered:

• I did have the inner strength
• I could face fear with courage
• I was responsible for me—not others
• I had to stop the habit of excuse making
• I needed to develop self-awareness
• I control who I am, not others
• I set my boundaries and acceptable standards
• I can walk away from pain when it doesn’t serve me

It was time to get radical….

And what I found changed my life, and now it is helping to change others’ lives, too. This is what I want for you, it’s what I want for all people. Transitioning may sound scary, but it is a blessed and wonderful thing. Within the 7 Steps of Progression for Leaving an Unhealthy Relationship, you can begin to understand that the change you need is possible. And change is not an option, because you can’t keep on going the way you are. I’m sure you’ve thought that. I know I have. I’m fortunate enough to have acted upon it, though.

Are you ready to act?
Yes is the ideal answer, but the transition is a process, one you take one day at a time.
Is today your day? Need some inspiration? Let’s do this! I want to help you find
your strength.
Amilia Powers

Step #1: Identifying What You Fear

“It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”
~Mandy Hale~

Without identifying what we fear, we cannot begin to work on building self-confidence and courage to overcome those fears. Addressing and acknowledging the fear and working to eliminate offers us great returns. Imagine....

Allowing happiness to satisfy us more than the desire to appease others
Building a life, not simply surviving a moment or a day
Embracing our circumstances so we are not held back by them
Finding the right resolutions more quickly
Eliminating the fear of mental torture and unkindness
Creating boundaries that do not allow cruel individuals into our personal space
Beginning to unconditionally love ourselves—and forgive ourselves. 

When we achieve these things, we are transitioning fear from being crippling to being an enabler for a better us. The tables turn and the results change.

Have the ability to walk toward your fears and embrace them with strength. Fear is a habit that we learn over time and it's our attempt to protect us in some way, but it seldom works. It holds us back and stops us from growing and experiencing life.

Your Challenge: think of one thing you fear and write down the benefit of how eliminating that fear would make your life better. This challenge is a starting point for my clients and my growth and transition sessions.

Step #2: Take Control

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
~Jean Shinoda Bolen~

Even if you’ve known a person for twenty years, when you are in an unhealthy relationship, you often don’t really know them. Take control and learn what kind of person you are dealing with so you can set some boundaries—immediately! You do not have time to waste in taking actions for the transition that you know you need. Every day matters and you are not meant to be a statistic of a bad outcome.

No one else can control the boundaries you set for yourself. When you stop allowing others to invade your space and corner you within your own world, you will find that with that extra room you can breathe, relax, and fully understand just how confined you’ve been living. You’ve been constricted by the toxicity of a bad situation, but a boundary for what you will tolerate is quite liberating.

When was the last time you went through an entire day without allowing someone else’s words or actions to control your mood and productivity? If you cannot recall, you need to take control and establish your boundaries. I can help!

Your Challenge: imagine a scenario that you were a part of in which you did not enforce your boundaries. Now, replay that scenario with a better outcome for you if you had enforced those boundaries. Could your actions and words have helped you to communicate a better outcome? These are the types of scenarios that I help my clients with, inspiring them for better outcomes through different choices. And taking control is our choice!

Step #3: Define Our Core Values

“Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.”
~Mahatma Gandhi~

It is only through our self-awareness of what we want to stand for that we can take a stand against those who we allow to manipulate our thoughts, actions, and responses. By defining our core values you will:

Become unstoppable in what you wish to achieve: confidence can only flourish when we know ourselves and what we will accept in our lives. When we are confident, we can achieve the greatest things—whether it is walking away or taking a stand.
Walk in grace: there are times when we feel alone as we transition to a better place, but by remembering our core values we can make that journey in grace, ultimately finding an abundance of support and love for our success.
Show your integrity: our core values help us to show we are willing to take the tough steps for bettering ourselves. We go beyond saying that we want to change but take actions (or lack of actions) that contradict that claim.

Your Challenge: write down your own laws to live by and what is not acceptable to you in your life. These may have to do with how people talk to you, how you manage your obligations, and how you help others. When my clients and I go through this important step, we have a heart to heart talk with how to take actions that will help us grow. It is seldom “all at once”. This type of permanent change requires baby steps.

Step #4: Personal Responsibility

You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”
~Jim Rohn~

It may not be convenient to acknowledge, and it may feel pretty bad to accept, but we all have responsibility for what we allow into our lives. By stopping wasting our energy on blaming others and committing to taking personal initiatives to change what has been happening, we can grow by leaps and bounds. 

It all starts with: Forgiving yourself for not having done this previously.

We are human beings, beautiful and flawed, but capable of great things when we forgive ourselves. If you struggle with this just think: what was the outcome when you cast blame to someone else for what has happened to you? Did you find satisfaction in a solution and end up in a better place? Did the yelling and fighting and mentally exhausting situations magically stop? Did you simply forget? So many of the debilitating things we do in our lives are habits. We didn’t always feel or act that way, but we learned how to act that way and for some reason, never chose to stop. 

Today is your day to stop making excuses about why you’ve never taken personal responsibility and start taking action. In my life, I’ve found that taking personal responsibility was what really allowed me to put things into perspective and gain the strength to separate myself from what was not working in my life, strengthening my will and ability to focus on what did work.

Your Challenge: focus on the most important things for you to take personal responsibility for at this time. Think about why it is important to do this and grand yourself any forgiveness for lack of action in the past. During this step, I help my clients come up with ideas that work with their personalities to help them stand firm by their choices, even when that may seem extremely tough to do.

Visit me on Thursday for more steps on how to stand strong through your challenges.
I have so much to share with all of you. I'm blessed to be here with you.
Thank you so much for the amazing emails. I appreciate it so much.

Those of you who are here for the first time welcome, I'm happy your with us.
To learn more about me, visit me at www.coffeewithamilia.com leave me a message with your concerns and I will answer them right here.

Have a blessed day.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Amilia Powers

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