Sunday, February 10, 2019

The Affects of Silence--Narcissistic Abuse

Here are 4 leading causes of Silence while in an abusive situation:

1.) You feel as if you don't matter, you're just existing.

2.) You feel unworthy of being heard, you don't want to fight, you desperately want peace.

3.) You stop believing in yourself, your hopes and dreams have withered from your thoughts.

4.) You begin to question your faith, you stop caring as if:

- Your smile has been removed and seemingly vanished

- You are living day to day expressionless

- You have NO voice, you can't find the words anymore

- You feel meaningless, you have lost sight of your purpose

This is an unfortunate place to be in because there is no other alternative but to adapt to your environment, only by tiptoeing around in SILENCE to keep the peace. While this is happening, you begin to swallow your happiness, your joy, and any excitement you had in life, is now gone. This leaves you feeling vulnerable, and emotionally isolated from your family, and friends. You feel as if you've lost living a joyous life.

The effects of SILENCE has you living this way. What happened to living your life? Everyone in your house begins to tiptoe around your fear as it trickles down to each child and even your guests. Anxiety becomes a daily feeling, you never know what is going to happen next. Even sleeping is now so hard. Work is becoming a task to get through. The thought of going home after work ends, or coming home from school at the last bell is unnerving. The cycle continues. You know in the back of your mind, that those hours away was your only peace, but work and school are only eight hours long, you find yourself wishing there were more hours on the clock. 


I would like to share a personal story from my own experience. Being silent did not help me in my abusive situation. I was involved with a narcissist. More emotionally, and verbal, then it was physical. While I was going through this, I made excuses for the reasons he was abusing me. I remained quiet, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. Days become weeks, months and then the obvious two and half long years before it came to a bitter end. During this time, while I allowed this type of treatment, and still mind you, stayed SILENT.

Everyone in my house began to treat me the same way, minus the physical abuse. They were unkind and disrespectful. You're probably wondering why? How can this be? They are watching me get abused, both verbally, and emotionally. The answer to this, they were mad. They were lashing out. Upset! This was the only way they could release the pain they were dealing with. They had to tiptoe around the house, watching every word they were saying. Hoping that it wouldn't trigger a fight. 

There comes a time when reality sets in, when a choice to leave the relationship is the only choice to salvage your family and get help to regain strength and promise for a healthier life. I understand completely, the part I had in all of this. The very first thing that I did wrong was what? I never set 
boundaries. I never stopped him, from the first he disrespected me. Then it began. As time went on he became comfortable being emotionally abusive, he moved it too much higher levels as the days progressed. I couldn't stop it because I never stood up for myself from the beginning. At each and every new point I was frightened. I felt very alone. I didn't speak to any friends for a long time, and I didn't reach out to my family. I did what was asked of me. It was part of his control. I began to get angry about the damage that was being done to all of us. I finally admitted to myself that I'm living in a destructive way. I broke out of my denial. My denial was like a spell I was under. I couldn't wait to get my smile back, to embrace my children, to live again. I forgot who I was before getting involved with a person like this. I was courageous, happy, fun. I smiled a lot and enjoyed all aspects of my life. I missed my friends, I missed my family, I missed me. 

I sought professional help, I was grateful I found a counselor specializing in the area that I was having such problems with. I worked hard to get my life back. Going through the healing process wasn't easy. I found myself breaking down, it drained me of my energy, but I know I needed to do this for me, and my family. The most difficult time I had was learning to forgive. I would ask my counselor, how could I forgive a monster, an evil being who went out of his way to destroy me, and my family? My counselor replied, you can and you will. Because forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what happened to you, it only means that you will never let this happen to you again.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. I believe in support, do not let what happened to me, happen to you. Please do not allow disrespect, unkindness, and someone else to control your life. It affects the entire family. No one walking on this earth has any right to place harm on any living being. Reach out, and get the help you need to live a joyous life. 



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