Thursday, August 23, 2018

What Was I Thinking? I Believed He Loved Me


WHAT HAVE I DONE?





To the outside world, I was "typical." A young woman, divorced, a mother of two small children-nothing really out of the ordinary. Getting married so young had led to getting divorced young. My husband and I both wanted to live different lives. It was an inevitable ending to something that had happened far too early our lives. 

As I moved on with my life,  struggled financially, but I was determined to make it. I knew what I wanted. I stayed focused, saved and purchased a home, only to realize that it took a lot of money to maintain that home. I had to get a second job to better support myself and provide for the kids. There were no other options and I wanted everything to work out. Yet, nothing was great. Working wasn't my problem. I wasn't afraid of hard work, I was more successful at attracting the wrong kind of men then I realized.

As time moved on and I met a man. He was wonderful and treated me the way every girl dreams of being treated. I mistook that for amazing love and unfortunately, it turned into pain and torment. My fear of letting go consumed me because I loved him and wanted it to work, all I felt and tried to hold onto was the day we met. I also had to settle for a second job that I didn't like, long dreadful hours that was physically exhausting but felt I needed. I wasn't happy. I was trying to keep up appearances. There was no balance or harmony in my life anywhere. Furthermore, knowing that I was responsible was agonizing. My life deteriorated and unraveled. I didn't like the person I turned into, becoming more distant from my life and never finding peace. I was just existing. 

I began journaling my everyday encounter with him. How it was impacting my life. Writing everything down in a journal was my release. I emptied my thoughts of emotional pain, and verbal abuse, helped me get through one more day. I needed to unload, and felt this was the only way to stay strong. 

It was that one day, I knew I had to admit to myself if I was going to become more invested in my life then just one more day I would need to take control of what is happening in my life. The stress was overwhelming, no rest. The kids were unhappy. I couldn't believe what I was writing in my journal. Who lives like this. Under these conditions of so much hostility, anger, and violence. 

I made this a habit in my life. Like waking up every day and brushing my teeth. You know when your life is spiraling out of control when you know what is going to happen the next day. There wasn't any joy to look forward to. This was the lowest point of my life. When the voices inside your head are screaming at you to make a change now. Not next week, next month. Today.

That one question that changed my life. "Is this the LIFE you dreamed of? 

From that day forward, my life did a 360 without hesitation. I believe I stuck it out as long as I could. There wasn't any change in sight. I hoped and prayed that whatever was going on with him would change, but it was getting worse. The memory I held onto of the day we first met faded away. 

When the relationship came to close, it was a violent ending to something that should have happened months ago. I wasn't frightened. I prayed and stayed in faith throughout the relationship and I believed that whatever was going to happen would be the best for me and my family.

Don't wait. Love is not unkind. Happiness and joy are apart of sharing. Always be honest with yourself. If you are not excited about your life and are treated in a way that drains your spirit, please make that change. Love is such a precious gift from God. No one has the right to take it. Let love, and faith guide your life, you can't make any mistakes with that. 

A part of this is written from my upcoming book "PAIN BEHIND BROKEN VASES" the book goes into more detail. This is a summary. It will definitely keep you at the edge of your seat. You will be in suspense throughout the novel. Check it out, by clicking the links below.



During this time of struggle, I was able to create "Personalize Meditations" that are helping thousands of woman across the country overcome obstacles they thought were impossible.

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Be blessed, I look forward to hearing from you. 
Amilia Powers
                                                        




                                          coffeewithamilia@gmail.com




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